Day 50 - Friday 8th May
Today is the 75th anniversary of VE day, and for the first time for weeks when I turn on the radio I hear something other than coronavirus. I'm feeling ambivalent about the celebrations, which seem to me to be uncomfortably intertwined with Brexit. I realise that Victory in Europe was coined as a phrase at the time, but I'd rather celebrate 75 years of peace than a day of victory and that's not how it seems to be framed. Since our house is not really visible from neighbouring houses there's no point in having a front-garden street party so there's no real pressure to take part anyway.
I have a productive morning finishing off three job applications before 11am. I receive an encouraging email from a local business where I had applied for a job for which I am over-qualified in the hope of prompting a conversation - we arrange a call for next week. I also exchange emails with somebody who wants to volunteer for the climate change partnership and a contact from my previous career who is looking for people to coach teenagers with literacy and numeracy. Another burst of social media activity for the climate change consultation, and then lunch.
It's a beautiful day and I spend some time weeding, although I'm struggling to tell the weeds from the seedlings. I chat to my daughter and my friend on the phone; daughter wants to borrow a garden sieve which I arrange to drop off to her, waiting until my grandson has woken for his nap so that I can wave to him. It turns out to be a disturbing experience - he's excited to see me and it's lovely to hear him call me "Nana" but he keeps walking over to me and I have to keep backing off. It's heartbreaking and I cut the visit short. As I drive away I'm cheered up by the bizarre sight of a stormtrooper on his way to Tesco. I continue to Mum's house to drop off her groceries and she invites me in - I sit at the opposite end of the living room and we chat for a while. My nephew, his partner and the children are in the garden which they've been using occasionally for fresh air as they live in an apartment block. Despite my misgivings about VE Day celebrations, I enjoy seeing the al fresco tea parties taking place in front gardens and on pavements, with bunting, tablecloths and proper china.
Back at the house I prepare for a barbeque. It was pre-arranged with hubby but when I start to cook the burger and souvlaki I've made for him he tells me he's not hungry. Something snaps. I've been feeling increasingly isolated and frustrated, as he sleeps in until early afternoon and spends all his time playing solitaire when there are dozens of jobs to be done around the house. I've tolerated this because I know he's depressed, but I can't hold back this time. Hubby is uncharacteristically calm in response to my outburst and it doesn't escalate into a full-scale row. He sits with us while our son and I eat dinner.
After clearing up I go for a short walk to clear my head. I'm not finding the lockdown difficult in itself, but spending so much time together is really emphasising the sources of stress in my marriage and there is not much opportunity for respite. I'm not feeling sociable when I get back but hubby comes to look for me and I agree to watch TV with him. The Last Leg has always been a Friday staple for us, so we watch that followed by an other episode of the excellent Primates documentary.
Tonight I am grateful for having had the opportunity to see gorillas, orang utans and other primates in their natural habitat.
I have a productive morning finishing off three job applications before 11am. I receive an encouraging email from a local business where I had applied for a job for which I am over-qualified in the hope of prompting a conversation - we arrange a call for next week. I also exchange emails with somebody who wants to volunteer for the climate change partnership and a contact from my previous career who is looking for people to coach teenagers with literacy and numeracy. Another burst of social media activity for the climate change consultation, and then lunch.
It's a beautiful day and I spend some time weeding, although I'm struggling to tell the weeds from the seedlings. I chat to my daughter and my friend on the phone; daughter wants to borrow a garden sieve which I arrange to drop off to her, waiting until my grandson has woken for his nap so that I can wave to him. It turns out to be a disturbing experience - he's excited to see me and it's lovely to hear him call me "Nana" but he keeps walking over to me and I have to keep backing off. It's heartbreaking and I cut the visit short. As I drive away I'm cheered up by the bizarre sight of a stormtrooper on his way to Tesco. I continue to Mum's house to drop off her groceries and she invites me in - I sit at the opposite end of the living room and we chat for a while. My nephew, his partner and the children are in the garden which they've been using occasionally for fresh air as they live in an apartment block. Despite my misgivings about VE Day celebrations, I enjoy seeing the al fresco tea parties taking place in front gardens and on pavements, with bunting, tablecloths and proper china.
Back at the house I prepare for a barbeque. It was pre-arranged with hubby but when I start to cook the burger and souvlaki I've made for him he tells me he's not hungry. Something snaps. I've been feeling increasingly isolated and frustrated, as he sleeps in until early afternoon and spends all his time playing solitaire when there are dozens of jobs to be done around the house. I've tolerated this because I know he's depressed, but I can't hold back this time. Hubby is uncharacteristically calm in response to my outburst and it doesn't escalate into a full-scale row. He sits with us while our son and I eat dinner.
After clearing up I go for a short walk to clear my head. I'm not finding the lockdown difficult in itself, but spending so much time together is really emphasising the sources of stress in my marriage and there is not much opportunity for respite. I'm not feeling sociable when I get back but hubby comes to look for me and I agree to watch TV with him. The Last Leg has always been a Friday staple for us, so we watch that followed by an other episode of the excellent Primates documentary.
Tonight I am grateful for having had the opportunity to see gorillas, orang utans and other primates in their natural habitat.
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